How long overdue is this blog post? So much has happened since you heard from me last. In short, I received a request from one of my dream literary agents, which I have not yet submitted because I spent a few days in a the “hospital” after having a break down at work from working 55 hours a week, which I finally was released from before turning 30 on the 6th.
Did you catch all of that? I understand if you need to re-read through that…
Back in May I left the world of serving tables to pursue my second of two dreams. Of course my first dream, or passion if you will, is writing. My second is baking. I took a job as a pastry chef. I am one of two pastry chefs producing all the desserts for 9 restaurants in the restaurant group (of which my husband, Jay works as a manager for some of those restaurants) plus we fill special orders including everything from a few dozen cupcakes, to wedding cakes for over 350 people (who knows that many people anyway?)
The job is a stressful enough along with the fact I’m required to work 50 hours to make my paycheck. Here is the kicker….even though it’s required you work 50 hours, you’re expected to work more like 55, and that is in the slow season. The other day I was told I better get my Christmas shopping done now because I won’t have time in a few weeks when the holiday season kicks in. I was feeling like I’m expected to live at the bakery.
Now couple all this with the fact I go in at 6 am and sometimes do not get out until 5:30-6 pm. When I get home, Jay is at work until well past my bedtime. Add in the fact I battle depression, and you have the recipe for a disaster in the making.
Then Jay and I had planned to take off October 6-9 for our birthdays and to just have some time together. Jay requested this time in APRIL. I told my manager when I was hired I needed the time off. A few days ago, Jay was told he couldn’t have the time off. It’s the only time he has asked off for in the almost year he has worked there. Every other manager has had several days to two weeks off upon request. I was furious. Then the owner tells Jay that my manager was complaining about me taking the time off too.
Though I take medication for my depression, I haven’t had a new medicine in over 6 years. After awhile the body is so saturated, the medication no longer works. It’s no one’s fault. Depression is just like when someone has diabetes and needs insulin because they don’t make enough. My body does not make enough serotonin and so I need to take something to help that situation.
With everything building up, and feeling like I had no time with Jay, I was at a breaking point. I felt like I had to friends or family to turn to because they all live so far away. I was loathing Charleston and wanted to just pack up and leave.
Instead I went to work. I had been crying and depressed the night before, but last Thursday morning I actually started having suicidal thoughts or ideations. The stress and feeling of going nowhere in my life (having not sent the literary agent the requested material did not help) I felt like the only way to deal with the pain I was going through was to end my life. Scary right? (No, I never had a plan….just the overwhelming feeling of “this would just be easier if it was over.”)
I was lucky enough to have enough common sense to walk out of the bakery (away from the knives) and into the front of the restaurant where I told a co-worker what was happening and I needed help. Jay came immediately and took me to the crisis center. From there they felt the best thing for me was to go to a hospital to adjust my medication and have someone be able to keep an eye on me. Of course while all of this was happening, Jay had to continue to work.
I spent the next 4 days in the hospital (which is a story in of itself) before my doctor felt I could be released. To my surprise, the owner of the bakery made me an offer I couldn’t refuse (and yes, he is Sicilian….how funny). I could work at the bakery 20 hours and then serve tables at some of the other restaurants.
This will give me the opportunity to bake and have more down time to do other things like write, and hopefully have more opportunities to see Jay.
I did go back two days earlier this week and they were pretty stressful. I probably wasn’t ready to go back, but I did make it through. My boss then agreed to let me do my 20 hours next week at the end of the week. My dad decided when all this happened he wanted me to come home to Pennsylvania for a week. I haven’t been home in 4 years. I’m also going to take a day and go up to CT to see my mom and grandparents. I haven’t seen them in 4 years. So as I write this, I’m on a train, passing through Lancaster, Pa (where I spent some time growing up) on my way to Harrisburg. I’m going to just relax and hang out with my dad and have some awesome Amish pastry while I’m here.
I think this new schedule will get me back to writing more, and not feeling so stressed and overwhelmed. Unfortunately, so many people don’t understand mental illness, and so people suffer. I was lucky enough to get the help I need, and a much needed break. My goals this week are to feel better about myself and map out a plan for what I want to accomplish. Yesterday was the start of a new decade for me. I’m going to make it the best yet.
Ciao for now,
Tina
P.S. I’m reading The Help (which is also in movie theaters now). What a phenomenal book! I highly recommend you give it a read. For a first novel, this woman sure can write a beautiful story!
go hungry every day right in our own backyard. This is our year to find a way to reduce that saddening statistic.
as a surprise, so I went with her first.
. I am in LOVE with the brilliant mind of Benjamin Franklin. I can’t believe I have never read this book! (Hint, Hint, Jay!) (No, I had nothing to do with my nephew being named Benjamin. When my sister and brother-in-law found out it was a boy, they were sitting in the doctor’s office and the doctor walked in and said “Benjamin is a nice name….” though I wish I could take credit for it!)
